Hello my friends, its certanly been a long time. But things have finally changed, if they are actually for the better, that I can't say for certain but what I do know is that its a fresh start. Time to believe in myself to try again. But what would that be?

Well for one, I'm not getting any younger, I've realised that now. Things have moved rather slowly, oppetunities missed and even worse I could have already made myself a decent name three times. But that's over now, looking ahead, I've got many doors of oppetunity open for me now. I've completed my move back to my homeland of germany. There I shall start again, this time utilising what I've learnt over the last few years and hopefully step out of my Mothers shoes and become the person that I've wanted to be, a successful young man with ambitions to have a decent life.

I'm around friends and I've left friends behind. It was a painful thing, leaving those already established friendships that have been created behind, but it had to be done. I know I should have spent more time saying goodbye but ultimately, time was against me and I just didn't have the resources to see everyone.but that's just how things go eventually. Of course I'll do my best to try and come back and say goodbye properly (or is it hello again) but that won't be for a long time just yet, since I've gotta get my foot into the door over here. It won't be easy but I have friends and the resources to go for it and reach my goals.

I've had my share of ups and downs over the years but its tought me the valuable lessons that I require in order to reach my meantioned goals. I wasn't confident enough before but that will change, it has to, afterall, the only one I can hold responcible for what I did, is me. For some, it may be a question of "why?" I mean afterall, I've always stated that my family wasn't my first choice to be with but I wanted to fulfil my family expectations by supporting and helping my nan. She is important to me and always has been, I may have always said bad things but in the end, family is family. There just isn't enough people out there that can truly say "I've helped and supported those in need within my family" I don't want to abandon anyone and if it means taking a step back from the leasure life that I've established all this time, then so be it. All the better, I mean, I've grown into a lazy sod so time for change.

I've always wanted a new oppetunity to be who I've always wanted to be and here it is. I took many risks being here and finally I've taken the nessesary steps in order to get somewhere. If something were to happen, for instance upsetting my nan enough, I've got my plan B and that's with my friend. Luckily he's a homeowner so I won't have to go onto the streets, if things go sour and that, is foreward planning. I wanted to thank a few people but somehow I know they already supported my decisions and have stood by me, even though I may not have seen it clearly. I've always been safe and comfortable and it was only through those friends I've made over in the UK.

But now, Its diffrent, I'm in Germany, a lot of things have to change, my views, actions and lifestyle in order to make something out of myself in Germany, even though I may already have experience in this field but things are truly diffrent. For instance, job applications arn't just a few pages of a CV over here, its a full life story backed up with many certificates and proof of what you've done. Which eliminates the need of refrences I suppose and there's no room for error now. This is a good thing, but also an expensive one. I'll have to start low if I want to get my certificates back, which I will and then I'll move up and up... eventually.

Watch this space is defo the agenda here.

Tags: update moving lifestyle
Current Location: Germany, Erkelenz
Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: Inception

I understand that most of my entries were depressed ones. I know I've sounded really down in the dumps. I have been, I won't ever deny lying to my friends and aqaintances when they asked "are you okay" with "i'm fine" the truth is, no I'm not. Most of you have worked that out anyway and choose, out of your interests, to ignore the situation and get on with it. That's fine, that's all I'd ever want but its now time to face the facts.

I'm probably beyond clinically depressed. I don't need medication to tell me that, I don't need to be evaluated or locked away. I will and always refuse to harm myself, even at the moment of absolute despair. I won't lie now, I've wanted to end it so many times. I've stood at that window and looked out into the sunset, morning and even late at night and just pondered about how things would go if I followed through with the thoughts I had at the time. But I refuse to give into them. I've managed to make it so far, even though I may or may not have long left, but still, I'd want to make it to the end, I don't want to regret what I've had or could have had. I just kick back and relax, enjoy some classical sound tracks to just wander my thoughts into a more stable state.

I've been like this ever since I've left my mother's house. I was unfortante, I had my own entire flat in the basement when I went to university and its there, that events took off. I was alone for pretty much a year, completly on my own. I was shy, I hated contact even back then. Hardly made any friends at Uni, even on my course. The few I made pretty quickly turned out to be assholes. That's pretty much the story of my life lately. Surely I can't be a person that comes across as being a naive idiot who enjoys being taken advantage off right?

But I don't want to wander into that debate again. All I know is what I've experienced over the last few years of my life. Pain, agony and constant abandonment by friends, what I believed to be lovers and family alike. Someone told me its because of these actions that I've become colder and colder as time went on. Its true, sometimes I could hit myself for some of the comments I make but I have no choice, I've not known love, friendship nor a simple acknowledgement that I'm a good person. There's an exception to that however. There are only two to four people that I'd call my absolute closest friends. They know it, I know it and I will treasure their companionship hopefully to the day I die of natural causes.

I'm sat here listening to my favourite soundtrack, Battlestar Galactica the 2003 version. Its impressive work and it suits my mood so closely its actually enjoyable. I like my music and if asked what my favourite would be, I'd have a real hard time. I really am unsure of where to go any more, I've been hurt so badly, so many times. But therein lies the problem. Everyone has problems in their life, what makes me special from them? Nothing. I could just as well be an imposter, a lyer and abuser of everyones trust. But I'm not, I'm just a guy that's trying to forget his past so he can finally achieve his life goals. I don't ask much but each year its becoming increasingly difficult to conjur up the willpower to actually work towards getting there. Every year the road to being better off, enjoying of life becomes a small dot in the distance. I've not reached it yet and in my opinion as things are now, I'll never even begin to travel on that road.

I'm not even sure where I'm going any longer. I'm not happy, I'm struck down everytime I see a glimpse of hope, of change. I try to help everyone who asks and all I ever get back is a knife in the back. At least that's what it feels like. I can't help but fear for my well being and I snap easily now. I don't want to be an ass, I don't want to be horrible but everything that's happened so far only tells me to be like that. I need a change of scenery.

I'll be moving back to my country of birth next year. I will be restarting my life. There are so many bad memories here, so little good ones. I need to get away and have a chance to try and change the way things are going. But it seems I have to do it alone, as I have been all those years. Yes I'm speaking selfishly here, I know there's one who'll comment on this for sure but I know he knows what I have to do and that I appreciated his hospitality and help for what's become more than two years now. Time moves slowly when things go wrong, but hey, its been 15 years since I entered the UK now. My life wasn't pretty before either, so I really don't know what the future will hold for me. All I do know is that I need to change things. Hopefully someone will eventually step up to the task to guide and help me just as very few did in those 15 years I've been here.

Into the unknown I go. Hopefully guided by the little part of me that remains happy to be alive. I'll try to remain a helpful and loving guy but I just don't know if I have the emotional energy left inside of me from the recent events over the last years. The candle is dangerously close to extinguishing and when it does, I don't know what will happen. But for now, I'd like to thank some very special people that will remain unamed here. They know who they are, even if I havn't told them, I know they do because they've seen my sad side and have learnt to work around it. With that I end this journal. Hoping someone will speak to me and tell me what I've done wrong all my life and what I can do to finally get out of this damn depression that's consuming my will to live on. Peace out

Tags: random, update
Current Location: Sheffield, South Yorkshire
Current Mood: disappointed
Current Music: Bear McCreary - Prelude to War

Its like everytime I post its about something sad. Well perhaps this is my way of accepting how depressed I really am? Perhaps I don't know. For weeks now I've been feeling extreme sorrow, sadness and its just getting worse each day that passes. I'm losing my grip on reality and I can't focus on anything that gives me hope.

My family is pissed off at me, close friends have been pissed off at me, I'm losing those I love by means beyond my control and to top it off, my life ain't going anywhere. Now people could say I haven't been trying, but I have. I've just lost hope and the means to keep a clear focus on my objectives since everything I do turns into a dead end. I don't think I can even begin to describe the pit of my sorrow any more, I don't even remember what triggered it exactly. I'm stuck in what can only be called a brainwashing program for the pit of scum that is jobseekers, because they randomly decided that what they gave is was too "nice" and "helpful", I only entered the fucking thing because it got me having bribes for future employers. Not sooner did I have the damn contract signed, did they fuck me over. I spend 30 - 35 hours a week in a training centre that's filled with younger kids that me, some of them don't even have half a brain cell and most of them would probably ram a knife into me if they ever found out I like men. The staff there are part of two extremes, absolute lazy asses with tendencies to tell you to go to hell or don't care and then there's the super-mega dominant wannabes that kick out out as soon as you cough / sneeze / twitch in a way that ticks them off. I've tried to fit in but try as I might, I can't dumb down. Obviously when I tell others they just laugh at me, but its true. I can't work with those kids because its near impossible to stoop down to such a degree where txt spk is akztbl or swearing every two seconds or even where a question like "sell us that cup" becomes a horrid display of "fuck you" during "mock interviews"...

*sigh* Now onto the worst feeling ever, the lonelyness that's crept up slowly, devoured my outlooks and keeps me pinned in absolut agony. I'm losing the grip on those I love and its like there is nothing I can do about it. I curse myself for falling into distance relations and its starting to kill me inside. Well what's left of me, I don't even know what makes me continue any more. I sleep so much now just so I can get to the next day and find a way out of this mess but no, I just want to be in the corner, pull my knees to my face and close my eyes. I can't even dream nice things anymore, they are becoming nightmares, scenes of extreme sadness. I can't even cry, I have none left, that's how far gone I am now. I'm so close to giving up now, I doubt I can pull out myself anymore. I've asked for help before and it worked, temporarily and now I feel its too late. The walls are closing in and my mind is starting to lose grip on the prision I set my dark inner desire to finish it all. Its becoming apart, unratheling at the point of creation. The strongest mental barriers weakened because of my life and how its lead me to this point. To the point where one was actually prepared to race to find me to prevent me from actually ending it, but it isn't time for that yet. I have a little time left...

Some may want to know what I mean by that, but I'm not ready to say just yet till I have my proof before me, which I may get soonish. All I can do is prolong the effects for now and try overcome it but with my spirit so gutted and hollow, I doubt my body would want to listen to what I want from it any more. I'm in little pain each day and its only growing as time passes each month, its becoming "easier" to feel pain too, if that even makes sense... but then, little does to me any more.

All I can really say, if i've pissed you off, If I've offended you, upset whatever, please try to forgive me, I can't lose more friends / loved ones, I couldn't cope right now and my outlook on life would only worsen more. I'm trying to desperately claw myself out of this but its becoming increasingly more difficult with more and more hits to my mood...

from the deepest, darkest pits of my personal hell, I shall stop here for now...
Darkus.

Tags: depression, expressionalist, random, sadness
Current Location: Sheffield, South Yorkshire
Current Mood: lethargic
Current Music: Proceed - Treading Water

 I don't know where I stand any longer, granted, in the last two years I've done and regretted a lot of things but nothings ever changed. I keep putting things off, to one side, blame others. So why do I get the impression, I'm destroying everything and everyone around me? Because I am. I, the one who always thought is the one everyone needed, the one who knows most things about life, I'm wrong. I'm increasingly becoming naive, idiotic and most importantly, hypocrite.

I once said I'm not addicted to anything, stop anytime. I smoke and play APB, an MMO.

I once said "I have no problems, its my parents and family", I have my own issues and blame it on others.

I once said "My life is shit, here's how yours can be better", I'm a naive idiot.

But the thing is, each time I realize these things, I do nothing about it. I continue, true I'm a better person for a few days, even a week but I just fall down the same trap after that. I've seen the downwards spiral that's slowly but very surely, putting those I trust, love and live with off being near me forever, even hate me. I can't stand to watch myself do that but yet I do nothing to change it. I live each day as it were my last. But why? So many questions, no answers. Each time I ask for help, which I rarely ever do, I do get advice, I take it in and perhaps a very very little of me changes. That's it. 

I've become my own enemy and my only friend. I loose contact with many purely because my interests dwindle down to one thing and one thing alone, I soon realize their gone but its too late. Its happened before and its happening again, perhaps I've caught it before it got serious but what happens if I don't? What happens if I become worse? I can't even imagine the amount of pain and suffering I put through to my friends and those I love. Someone once said to me "you can't handle relationships, you make them fail", I was naive to defend myself but perhaps its true. 

Part of me screams its due to my mother, she was always controlling me, telling me what to do on a day to day basis, she didn't allow room for self thought or development. But what if its not her? In some perverse and critical way, it can be but who can tell? No one knows my mother as well as I do and its true that I loathe and even hate her for what she did, but she did it under the influence of her own problems and drugs. Can I blame her for it? Perhaps. Do I? Yes. Will I ever approach her for it? No. I'm too scared, I always am. I run away from problems and situations, when I can't run, I make myself into an idiot and try to defend myself every way possible which ends up me being the fool.

I've run out of room, I wish I never figured something out, was never told by co-incidence or otherwise, I live every day like its my last because it could be. Call me crazy but something once told me, "25, that's as far as you'll go" and to this day, I believe it. But why? Have I gone insane? Have I gone mad with obsession over something that COULD be? Why am I even writing this and why am I doing nothing to change who I am?

Questions with no answers, no motivation, no will power left. I'm a drone awaiting orders and perhaps that's what destroys my life. I take everyone with me, without wanting to, without realization and that ultimately, makes me hate everything and myself. I punish myself for the things I do unconsciously, by making others turn away from me.

I'm an asshole, idiot, lover, carer and friend all in one. I can't save myself, no one can. Its like two roads running parallel to each other, one is what I can change and the other is what I'm doing, they never merge, they need to merge but either a) I refuse so harshly or b) I just don't get it. I'm at the end of my tether, I don't want to loose what I got now, why would I want to but the way I am, the way I will be, will make it so and I'll have no one to blame but myself. What then? Will I finally crack and just do something? I'll never know and that's what truly, truly bothers me.

In the end, I'm sorry for what I do, I never say it but I am. I'm sorry for making you read this, I'm sorry for how I'll respond if you speak to me about it and in the end, I'm sorry for being a naive child.

Tags: random
Current Location: Sheffield, South Yorkshire
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Chicane, Don't give up 2004 - Angelli and Nelson RMX

Thought I'd try my paw at reviewing stuff once again. I've started my reviewing choices quite early on when I first had my own computer and wrote a few here and there, which of course once earned me a Gmail beta invite. If you think about it, that was quite a long time ago. I've got three small reviews I'd like to write up today one game and one movie. Shouldn't be too difficult :3

Splinter Cell: Conviction
Well, now, what to say. I haven't completed the game just yet but I've played enough to get the jist of whats going on and what I've been missing out on. I've touched splinter cell only once before, number one on the Xbox. Alas back then I just couldn't befriend this type of game simply because I preferred the "Snake sneaking" style of uhh well stealth games. Tactical Espionage, where you can either go unnoticed or go rambo. With splinter cell, this becomes quite difficult as I've discovered during accidents such as getting spotted too easily. I tried the rambo approach when being spotted but this lead to a very quick death and quite a few "WTF That shouldn't have happened" moments, quite too often. No, this is a pure sneaking game at the core and where previously, this meant quite a bit of frustration and reloading of checkpoints but not this game got me sucked in quicker than a good movie.

Not knowing the story, its quite difficult getting into the swing of things but the black and white videos that sometimes get projected on various scenery items is a neat touch and made it a little easier to get the basic points. Sam's out for revenge and gets called upon to uhh well, get revenge. I found it interesting how the game gives you your objectives via projections upon the targets, making my life a lot easier rather than "here's the mission objective, your tools, guns and a general idea where you need to go. Good luck". Of course the amount of enemies are considerable and sometimes you just can't avoid being spotted. The core mechanics are simple, stealth kills or just don't kill at all. Neat! Unlimited ammo on your silenced weapon, man I wish I had that in other games. The controls are a little dodgy most of the time but getting into it is simple and I'd recommend using a gamepad. If you play a console, this should be a breeze, most button presses are natural and intuitive. No real gripes here just it needs a little more sensitivity during alert phases which can cause a few distressing deaths.

Story wise I've got nothing to complain about, the few cut scenes there are cleverly disguise the loading. Always a welcomed bonus and the between section scenes are a nice touch also, interactive stuff is well done and put into place with though. Its story driven game time, something I've not seen since Bioshock to be honest. Not knowing what happened throughout the games is a little frustrating but not enough to be a significant impact on playing this one first. Don't think I could play the others now since most interactions are new and unique to the gameplay so far. Sequences are played out and fall into place quite well, so no "Well, that was pointless" moments quite yet.

Graphics are super and don't give any plasticy appearances anywhere. The black and white shadow system is always helpful in identifying where you need to be not get spotted, perfect. However, sometimes the transitions between black & white into full colour can be annoying and distracting, especially if your trying to get past a quick area. I've noticed how detailed most scenery is and most of the time this is a shame especially when the camera locks you into place while hanging around above your enemies (makes great kills though) so nothing really out of the ordinary. In today's advancing graphics requirement, this game sits quite snug where it belongs. Realism vs superfluous is held in check and nothing feels out of place. Could have used more weather effects but I don't think this would have made such a big impact on the flow of things. However, some areas seemed to be too cluttered and cause a small FPS drop, nothing wrong with that, remember crysis?

Finally, weapons are thought out well, planned and your given a choice which is reasonable. Your given choices at the beginning versus near the middle are quite acceptable and I've stuck towards using silenced hand guns most of the time, the marking system and execution moves make this quite an enjoyable experience overall. Since I havn't completed the game just yet, I can't really say much more and give this game a 5 / 10 so far, gotta see what happens at the end to get a final score! A must buy however.

Human Centipede
This movie ran across my mind as I was checking up on the latest film releases. Always being one to check out obscure stuff, this one seemed to tickle my fancy straight away, the IMDB rating made sure I wouldn't be let down, or was I? The story line is acceptable and the writer took advice from real surgeons so this movie if I dare say, would be on accuracy and such. Something movies miss a few times i've noticed lately. Let's cut to the chance, its about a mad german scientist (cliché warning) who wants to create a living human centipede. Well, with three subjects, that's not really a centipede but hang in there, it makes small sense. I didn't agree with the fact it should be a german mad man but hey, the actor made it clear in his role he was suited for the job. The spoken english and german was on par and no faults were heard (being bilingual, I pick up on these things). Story wise this movie is sloooow. It really doesn't pick up till the last quarter and the actual sequences of him "creating" the centipede aren't shown (perhaps it was too gruesome to film?) So for being a horror, there was a severe lack of blood and gore, shame, this would have been the perfect shocker otherwise.

Directional wise, the camera was perfect and showed off the emotions of all parties involved and made sure the viewer was never out of it too much. The dark lighting in some shots were mood effective and sound was acceptable for where it was taking place. However, I felt that some scenes were missing, apart from the gore stuff, a lot isn't explained, I mean where did this scientist get his ideas from? Why arn't there failed experiments to be seen and his "madness" isn't clearly drawn out either. The characters weren't too into this whole thing either what annoyed me was the backstory of why they are doing what they are, I mean road trip around europe? Give me a break.

Ending was a disappointment and could have been better. I won't spoil it but that could have been such a great horror movie, I mean look at Hostel (not part two, that was garbage) and wrong turn, they did it right and made me feel like I was watching people getting mauled for fun, but this? Didn't raise the excitement meter beyond "its something to watch" bad movie.. bad direction, good execution but the director didn't explore his options, maybe part two will be better? 4 / 10 for this one, its something to stick on when bored.

That's it for now, guess I'll do some more again. If they weren't reviews to your liking, meh, what the hell. I just wanna start back into it and perhaps I'll get better once again, till next time;

Hugs 'n' Murrs
~Darkus

Tags: conviction, game, human_centipede, movie, random, review, splinter cell
Current Location: Batemoor, Sheffield, United Kingdom
Current Mood: thirsty
Current Music: Freeloaders - The Real Thing - So much love to give (Basecore Mix)

Sometimes I really don't have any Idea what it is I'm actually doing. I do things without thinking it through, granted, that's what it means "being human" but still, its really inquisitive as to why I do such things. In a really weird spooky way, these events lead upto something big and usually means I've done them for a reason. Would be nice to figure out what it is why before it actually happens, but that would be prediction and everyone knows that's completely insane talk right? 

On to other subjects. Masters and Pets. Difficult subject for some but still rather relevant if you think about it. A master cares for his pet and in return receives the sexual gratification of a submissive person(s) at a time of his choosing. But I like to extend this further, I actually explained to someone (before they choose to accept me) is that I like to become friends first and then up it a little each time either of us feels comfortable with it. In the end, yes its a game at its rawest level but its how you play it that brings in results. I've spoken to many subs, doms and switches alike, granted I'm no expert but I do claim that I've learnt enough to focus on what's really important in submissive keeping. At least online that is, that's where after all you can experiment and control fully someone's responses and actions given a certain perquisite environment. But once you take the online out of it, you are met with something or someone completely different, which means re-adaptation. Something that has bothered me extremely. I require honesty to be able to work with what I got, so I setup an environment (each one is different suited to the sub that's under my control) and then adhere to it till they ask to try something different. So how hard is it to be honest and say "this is me in RL" and go from there?

Being a submissive has its advantages, disadvantages and curiosities. However, if you arn't being honest and forthcoming with what you are actually after, how can the dominant adapt to suit the conditions of his or her's surrender and keeping? That's what's bothered me from when I entered such role a long time ago. People lie, everybody lies, even I do it. I lie how I feel on a day to day basis, granted its not the best thing to do but having to go through each day on how my feelings are damn near down the drain, is tedious and serves no purpose to actually getting anywhere, hence the white lies to ensure I can concentrate on something else for a while. Anyway, back to the subject at hand. I'm completely fed up with what I got right now and granted, some can be attributed as my fault, but still, I warn them every time I'm not your standard run-of-the-mill dominant. I adapt, collate and change the submissive's environment based on their ever needing changes, wants and likes. Of course I still do it within the parameters of his or her roles under me but that would be an entire blog post on its own. I can't mention names, I still treat each one with confidentiality and respect when requested and thus I shall respect that. But what he is doing isn't to what I would like them to do and to urge him to get going, I'm going to enforce severe penalties on his actions. Why do I have to suffer myself for him being an idiot and not getting into gear? Perks of the job.

What happens is in his ball park and he'll have to decide if he wants to stay or leave my command (sounds so authoritarian its amazing), it'll be upsetting to see if he doesn't mature to accept that fact but in the end he'll have to do the humane thing and choose what he wants. This is how it works and this is how I see if a person(s) is able to be what they claim to be. That's the aim of the game...

Hugs 'n' Murrs
~Darkus

Tags: random, update
Current Location: United Kingdom, Billingborough, Birthorpe Rd, 3-9
Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: Hybrid - Finished Symphony

 I must be going crazy, I'm having such disastrous mood swings lately, its hard to settle down. Right now it really is about me being in a position of real serious self doubt. From being a "alright" mood to downright near suicidal. What the hell came over me to even remotely start thinking about something I've been "freed" from so long ago?

It just keeps surprising me what effect it can hold for myself and those around me. Previously I said I needed help, maybe I didn't realise just how bad it really became to reset into mood swings such as this. What really bothers me is that there arn't any serious reasons for them to happen, I've got my contact back with someone I love, but maybe that's not enough and what I see and what my mind makes of it creates such a vast diversity of ill-thoughts, I might just be relapsing. I spoke with my mother again on mothers day, I actually thought it was nice to speak to her again, something must be wrong as I always held my opinion very badly towards her for what happened in the past but I was actually generally interested in what she was doing and how she was.

Things with Gran seem to be on a similar note, she's not doing well either with a recent episode of hospital visits AGAIN. Maybe that's what's bothering me, maybe deep down somewhere I know she hasn't got long. Something I dread to think if I'm honest, even with my serious family issues, they've all I got left. I have other family members sure, but they aren't really on my list of contacts, especially since they don't hold contact with me. Anyway, back to the subject at hand, I tried my hand at making sure I had something to go for in the near future, awaiting responses really. Its that waiting game everyone loves so much. My sleep problems are also back with a vengeance, I fear my health is deteriorating in some aspects, granted, their my fault but I'm not man enough to say "I should get a checkup". It took a while to accept I should see the dentist and I had to have my mouth done over, as expected really. But that's not really a subject that would cause me to have these mood swings again surely. I should be happy, I should be able to finally say "I'm alright" with confidence, not hide from my true state of being again. I was miserable during an outing recently and I tried being the upbeat guy at a gathering with some success, but not in the area that I hoped and towards the end, I started excluding myself again and whammo, the time after that was spent considering who'd miss me if I were to just dissapear. The mind protection system kicked in and I fell asleep. I woke up feeling that groggy-oh-shit-not-again way which made me snap out of the temporary mind frame that could lead to various self harm consequences.

I've done a lot, for myself and for others in the recent months, even the year. Some good, some bad but in general I can hold my head up high right? So where is this coming from? Its March, not really time of the year for my depressional swings, at least looking back over the years, its always been towards Christmas where it kicks in. What good is it wallowing in one's self pity for no reason? I mean if I had a decent reason, then granted, I'd accept the situation but not like this.

*sighs* I need to get out of this slowly circling hell and start looking upwards again. Its not my environment surely, I've got the best I can close, well with one exception, to which I had to realise wasn't going to give me what I've always wanted as stated previously in a post, but damnit, love is stronger and if its the right one, why should I give up on it because of something I want? I must stand up to what I believe is right and if that means going about it in a way that would cause these problems, then surely its the right way of doing it instead of backing down, subjecting myself to other's view of not being able to look after myself right? Ugh enough of this crap, I wanna live again.

Tags: random, upset, weird
Current Location: Sheffield, Batemoor
Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: A State of Trance Yearmix 2009

You never ever know how you feel about something when you get to see someone else doing it. I've always been made hopeful, told it'll be okay and then I just think back over time and see how things were, I guess I forgot how it really is and what actually hope I have for the future.

Many times have I supported, helped and offered advice to couples, seen them happy together and even made sure their lives are good, but never have I experienced what a real relationship can offer. I've never gotten a date dinner, a random present or just quality time that didn't end up being interrupted or bankrupted at the last second. At that point, it just gives me perspective on how upsetting everything has been. I mean I strive to ensure other people are happy around me, its the least I can do, but once someone reminds me of my own life, that's it. I fall into depression. Why? I'll never figure out, well perhaps its because I've never had something decent that happened to me in a relationship. Sure there have been a few golden moments, I'd never fight that off, but still, I've never had the pleasure of spontaneous "let's go out, my treat" or "here hun, something for our anniversary". That's the kicker.

Perhaps its due to the fact I'm ugly or something, I don't know. I try my best I really do to fit in, entertain, offer help and advice but yet still, somewhere along the line, I miss out. Once I even helped someone get to know someone better, RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. God the resulting huggles and stuff made me sick to the stomach. Do people actually realise how hard it is to lie and say "I'm okay"? I really hope no one will ever confront me in a way that'll make me say just how bad I feel... I can just see myself breaking down or worse, running away.

Okay, I've always ran away from my problems but in some perspectives, they were problems I really couldn't solve without the help of someone who I loved, trusted and wanted to be with. I've never had someone defend me, help me when I'm really really in need (except certain circumstances) or just in need of a god damn hug once in a while. I'm a sensitive, caring, loving guy, yet I seem to somehow put people off, make them scared or not even care I'm around. Perhaps I'm just too self concious but damnit, what else can I god damn do? I try to fit in, I loose out. I try to be the outsider, I loose out. I try to be myself, I get told to f-off...

People try to help me, but in the end, I realise I'm the one who has to do it all and I just don't have the courage or the motivation to say "Yes, I need help..." I can't do it... perhaps that's the problem all along and maybe that's why I cannot loose the thought that somewhere, along the line, I'll loose someone I love so god damn much again, AGAIN! I'm on my last legs, I've always been able to make sure I don't go overboard, be it outside help or just smacking my head against the wall, there's always been a "get out of it" card for me but perhaps I've excerted these now and I feel that its time for me to do something so stupid soon, that I'm already making sure I won't be missed...

If that doesn't scream out "I need help" I don't know what will and frankly, if no one bothers, it wouldn't make a difference, after all, I'm used to being that guy who gets f-all and looses out always, nice guys finish last, well with what I've seen, done and heard over the years so far, then I've got to be the god damn worsest nice guy on the planet...

I hate it here... (figure of speech) please make it stop... for once let ME have a glimpse of hope that I'm actually worth something to someone in the world? (P.s I love Ikidarsha... please get back online sometime soon sweety :( )

Tags: depressed, random, upset
Current Mood: distressed
Current Music: Hybrid - Finished Symphony (Origional Mix)

Nothing bad, just thought about some things that I need to get down to prove myself I'm not talking bullcrap and remember what I really thought about during this morning.

First things off my chest, I wanna go see Pendulum in Doncaster on the 22nd May. Two of my German colleagues that I know well that also adore Pendulum are interested, I really oughta figure something out for this, never been to a Live concert really and this would be an opportunity for me, its not a life changing one, but still, something I gotta treat myself to. See how things pan out first though.

Second, things with my new found love are progressing well, I can't believe I totally phoned him, then went all shy... Damnit! Soppy I know but still, just shows there's a glint of hope in this world after all. Just need to get some stuff sorted however, if things do progress really well, I oughta be able to handle it rather well.

Third, some stuff popped randomly into my head that I actually need to act on rather quickly. Especially because this particular person reads this journal and I'd rather not write it down, might spoil a few things. It involves work though and probable a few hours of cursing and regretting it. But he deserves it and I wanna show my thanks, at least in this way.

Fourth, I need to sort out income fast, sitting around isn't gonna do me much good and neither will it support a good future, I was in this situation before and I ended up at my Mom's due to being kicked out (the actual reason was never clarified, however I believe it was a potent mix of the landlords current love topics and volatile environment). It also lead to some rather depressional topics. Hence the smoking right now. I know its bad for my health and such, but it does spark some rather interesting thought processes when stood outside in the cold (interesting conundrum, it's bad for the lungs but good to think with... EEP).

Fifth, I guess I need to sort out a few people's issues regarding my current status as being in a relationship. Its actually quite sad to see some reactions towards this to being completely bad. I know jealously can get the best on people but that's ridiculous. Nonetheless, being the nice guy I am, I'm willing to listen to them and try help them overcome the fact I'm practically off limits now (well, in a sense, I'm not prepared to share my heart with two people. I have a mate, everyone comes second, unless they deserve it). Also, I keep sorting out rather suicidal topics rather a lot. Must be a nest somewhere. There is a limit however, I cannot give up my emotions for them and I've actually told some to either go through with it or man up. Usually I tell them that anyway, but in a more subtle form that will make them think about it harsher. I still havn't got a single thank you for my work, irritating as it may, but it helps to be appreciated once in a while.

Sixth (my a lot of things huh), I still can't express my gratitude towards how I've been helped. I just wish I was wealthy enough to sort out a few issues, but alas, I was stupid. Still, its been a life changing rollercoaster that everyone goes through anyway. Been through a lot, its changed how I see things and gradually, it'll help me overcome my past and look towards the future.

In closing, I want to thank those that have been loyal, appreciative of my advice here and there and helpful. To those that havn't, well, I guess I can't really say much. Sometimes I do feel like having "gullible" taped to my forehead. Heh. Anyway, lets keep this short shall we...

23 now, life is ticking away each day. Better make the most of it, or what's the point in living anyway? Who knows! Here's to 24 when it comes rolling around! :3

Hugs 'n' Murrs
~Darkus

Tags: life, lost, love, random, update
Current Location: United Kingdom, Sheffield
Current Mood: refreshed
Current Music: Pendulum - 9,000 Miles

Thinking about it, I never made an entry recently regarding my Birthday. Heh, well my Bday's have never really been that exciting, thinking back on them, the only one that sticks out was my 21. When I actually received a collar for my bday. I've since given this one away, since wearing a collar gives people the wrong impression within the fandom. Well, my 23rd, let's see. I got a wonderful gift from a special drake I will always hold dear even if he sometimes manages to make me mad about the things he says. The other gift was a game, which I wanted for ages, so really, that's all that needs saying about that I suppose.

The real purpose for this entry, well, hopefully, is to announce that perhaps all this suffering I've endured for a long while seems to have paid off. Its the old game of "suffer before happiness" really comes into action. I still have to wait how it pans out but I have soft hopes it will. What I'm on about, is a third proper relationship that sparked recently from just a basic inquiry. How things go. I'll be careful though, take it slow and then see how the basis we've established already can go further. I'm reluctant to smile and say I'm truly happy till I've had a full chance to embrace what was given to me today.

Will this finally break my curse and release me from the shackles of a broken heart? Time will tell... eventually at least! *queue epic CNC Red Alert intro here*

Also, will be doing my driving test soon, finally!

Hugs 'n' Murrs;
~Darkus

Tags: joy, random, update
Current Location: Sheffield, Batemoor
Current Mood: grateful
Current Music: Upuluar - Pogo