Nothing bad, just thought about some things that I need to get down to prove myself I'm not talking bullcrap and remember what I really thought about during this morning.

First things off my chest, I wanna go see Pendulum in Doncaster on the 22nd May. Two of my German colleagues that I know well that also adore Pendulum are interested, I really oughta figure something out for this, never been to a Live concert really and this would be an opportunity for me, its not a life changing one, but still, something I gotta treat myself to. See how things pan out first though.

Second, things with my new found love are progressing well, I can't believe I totally phoned him, then went all shy... Damnit! Soppy I know but still, just shows there's a glint of hope in this world after all. Just need to get some stuff sorted however, if things do progress really well, I oughta be able to handle it rather well.

Third, some stuff popped randomly into my head that I actually need to act on rather quickly. Especially because this particular person reads this journal and I'd rather not write it down, might spoil a few things. It involves work though and probable a few hours of cursing and regretting it. But he deserves it and I wanna show my thanks, at least in this way.

Fourth, I need to sort out income fast, sitting around isn't gonna do me much good and neither will it support a good future, I was in this situation before and I ended up at my Mom's due to being kicked out (the actual reason was never clarified, however I believe it was a potent mix of the landlords current love topics and volatile environment). It also lead to some rather depressional topics. Hence the smoking right now. I know its bad for my health and such, but it does spark some rather interesting thought processes when stood outside in the cold (interesting conundrum, it's bad for the lungs but good to think with... EEP).

Fifth, I guess I need to sort out a few people's issues regarding my current status as being in a relationship. Its actually quite sad to see some reactions towards this to being completely bad. I know jealously can get the best on people but that's ridiculous. Nonetheless, being the nice guy I am, I'm willing to listen to them and try help them overcome the fact I'm practically off limits now (well, in a sense, I'm not prepared to share my heart with two people. I have a mate, everyone comes second, unless they deserve it). Also, I keep sorting out rather suicidal topics rather a lot. Must be a nest somewhere. There is a limit however, I cannot give up my emotions for them and I've actually told some to either go through with it or man up. Usually I tell them that anyway, but in a more subtle form that will make them think about it harsher. I still havn't got a single thank you for my work, irritating as it may, but it helps to be appreciated once in a while.

Sixth (my a lot of things huh), I still can't express my gratitude towards how I've been helped. I just wish I was wealthy enough to sort out a few issues, but alas, I was stupid. Still, its been a life changing rollercoaster that everyone goes through anyway. Been through a lot, its changed how I see things and gradually, it'll help me overcome my past and look towards the future.

In closing, I want to thank those that have been loyal, appreciative of my advice here and there and helpful. To those that havn't, well, I guess I can't really say much. Sometimes I do feel like having "gullible" taped to my forehead. Heh. Anyway, lets keep this short shall we...

23 now, life is ticking away each day. Better make the most of it, or what's the point in living anyway? Who knows! Here's to 24 when it comes rolling around! :3

Hugs 'n' Murrs
~Darkus

Tags: life, lost, love, random, update
Current Location: United Kingdom, Sheffield
Current Mood: refreshed
Current Music: Pendulum - 9,000 Miles

Thinking about it, I never made an entry recently regarding my Birthday. Heh, well my Bday's have never really been that exciting, thinking back on them, the only one that sticks out was my 21. When I actually received a collar for my bday. I've since given this one away, since wearing a collar gives people the wrong impression within the fandom. Well, my 23rd, let's see. I got a wonderful gift from a special drake I will always hold dear even if he sometimes manages to make me mad about the things he says. The other gift was a game, which I wanted for ages, so really, that's all that needs saying about that I suppose.

The real purpose for this entry, well, hopefully, is to announce that perhaps all this suffering I've endured for a long while seems to have paid off. Its the old game of "suffer before happiness" really comes into action. I still have to wait how it pans out but I have soft hopes it will. What I'm on about, is a third proper relationship that sparked recently from just a basic inquiry. How things go. I'll be careful though, take it slow and then see how the basis we've established already can go further. I'm reluctant to smile and say I'm truly happy till I've had a full chance to embrace what was given to me today.

Will this finally break my curse and release me from the shackles of a broken heart? Time will tell... eventually at least! *queue epic CNC Red Alert intro here*

Also, will be doing my driving test soon, finally!

Hugs 'n' Murrs;
~Darkus

Tags: joy, random, update
Current Location: Sheffield, Batemoor
Current Mood: grateful
Current Music: Upuluar - Pogo

So its starting to be crunch time for me. Next Monday, I enter a world where I don't belong nor want to be. Its dreadful feeling this way as I am, I've even managed to piss a close friend off purely because I can't control how I feel lately. Ack, this is an absolute disaster. Even though, in all honesty, all it would take is one phone call, for me to step up and tell my nan to fuck off. But I can't, she's the last remaining family member I have any connection to. Telling her to go to hell, she would and I don't want that on my concious.

I feel like shit, it shows probably. I guess its all down to me once again to ride through it and hopefully come out a better man at the end of it. When will it ever end. Anyway, enough with the depressive shit, the flats going aright, nearly there. Soon it'll be a lovely home and I can start my life again, for the third time. Maybe this time I'll meet the right people, be with the right crowds and get myself setup so I can finally shrug off the sad, lowlife I've been living for the last 22 years. Soon I'll be 23. Its just a number to me, after all, I feel far older than that. Its time to forget the past and move on. I just wish I had someone who'd take this path with me, the loneliness of the situation is constantly pressuring me to go out and do silly things, which always ends up in a giant drama heap with included nasty bitch fighting. Go me.

Hey, at least I got a new phone... :3 the lovely G2 on T-Mobile. Finally I can say goodbye to Vodafone, those shits have seen the last from me! Bah, BAH I SAY!

Don't know what else to say, apart from this; to those I piss off unintentionally, I'm sorry and for those I piss off on purpose, fuck you... If you can't decide which side of that you are, then talk to me, that's all anyone would ever have to do, talk to me. Perhaps people would take me seriously and understand that I don't say bullshit all the time.

Hugs 'n' Murrs
~Darkus

Tags: random
Current Location: United Kingdom, Mansfield
Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: K.C & the Sunshine Band - I'm Your Boogie Man

Somewhere on a forum, I've finally laid out my life and what's happened to me while I was in my childhood and teenage years. Its on the UKFur forums, if your interested. I don't suggest reading it though, as its long and I really don't know if it was the right move to take but I really do need help. I have to visit my Nan over Xmas again and I just need a way to think or do while I'm there to not suffer depression...

It also marks the first time I've actually unveiled a lot of detail about my life, its a very weak attempt at getting help I suppose. I just hope people don't see it as a cry of attention, that's not what I'm trying to achieve. I need to get to grips with a lot of shit that's happened in my life, I need closure or something that takes my mind away from the terrible memories. Its driving me into something I don't wanna be, a being that shows only sadness and makes others suffer around him. I can't allow my friends to become depressed over my state and I just don't wanna loose what little I can call friends these days.

Some are right, I need to start taking matters into my own paws but somehow, I can never bring myself to do it and talk my way out of the topic with bullshit. I'm sorry but my mind just can't comprehend how stupid it is for me to try and make excuses, lie or even force another subject when its me that starts. I do this randomly, something would remind me of a bad memory and my mouth opens, my mind shuts down and bam, I weasel myself out of it. Why? I don't know, fear, anger? I really don't.

I can't post what I've written here, its too long and contains many personal memories that I just can't post anywhere else. Why UKFur? I don't know, leave it at that.

Tags: depressed, random
Current Location: United Kingdom, Sheffield
Current Music: A State of Trance - Yearmix 2004

So its finally happened. I've successfully moved to Sheffield (Of all places) from Doncaster. Man, in the last year, its been a move after move. Granted, the first two moves were intra-city. Brighton > Southampton West > Southampton North > Southampton Further North > Doncaster > Sheffield. Where to next really! But I have a feeling it'll go uphill from here, at least I god damn hope so. Got a lot of things to do now, like decorating, buying stuff like furniture and such, but in the end, I'll finally have a cozy home where I can be who I want and not be surrounded by absolute morons. That chapter is finally closed and I can look forward (hopefully) to seeing a few special people and seeing where it goes.

I know stuff ain't supposed to be easy, but one can dream right? Let's see where the future goes from here. Hey, at least the "one" that deserves what he sowed is getting it big time. I don't do revenge, but that's just as good seeing how the ass is finally getting what he's had coming for him. I'm interested how far it will go and maybe I'll step in final moment and ram him to the ground with an offer of help... That'll really be a win for me.

Tags: moved, random
Current Location: Batemore, Sheffield, Yorkshire
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: A State of Trance - Yearmix 2004

I was given this vacation as a gift, but I didn't expect things to go wrong how they did. Once again miscommunication lead to absolute chaos. As if I needed that to happen again, anyway, I'm pretty pissed at someone else who seems to give me a link to something that I can probably never go to again and I miss being there, that's just rude and saddening. But enough of that.

I probably will never have this chance again to fly back here in Germany on a personal vacation, I never really have personal holidays anyway. I did enjoy my time here, it had its moments, both good and bad, but the main thing is that I had a break from the real hell that I will be returning too soon. I don't wanna return but all good things have an end right? Anyway, I'll be certain to be able to survive Christmas at this rate with recharged batteries and be able to tackle a few more heated situations better.

I just wish people would respect the fact that they need to talk about things before I enter a situation with wrong facts and make up my mind over something that's only half "there". Its unfair on me and its unfair for the guy on the recieving end. If I don't know it, how can I stop thinking that somethings wrong? Its only fair to open up and say "look this happened and because of that I can't do that" then we wouldn't have this situation where I'd start thinking something is wrong and things are going bad, if I had known, then I would have made sure I'd be able to help or do other things than what I wanted originally. That's all...

Anyway, I got a train to look up to see how the hell I'll get home...

Slightly upset,
~Darkus

Tags: random
Current Location: Germany, Pfungstadt
Current Mood: depressed

You know its funny, give me some time to relax, chillout and such! Wht happens? I start to think about certain things, like gut feeling adn first instinct. Its always that feeling you have when you meet people, if youget a small feeling n your gutthat tells you everything you need to know instantly. Well, there are certain occasions where I should have followed them the moment I felt it.

Two situations lately in particuluar, one that entered closely in to my daily life and one where I went to see him recently. Both times it didn't feel right, there was this lingering sense of overwhelming "NO" that came from my gut and mind. It seemed to be correct once again. The first turned into a real god damn pain in the backside (not the good kind either) and the second was a sort of moot point. I hate it when things go wrong when I thought they'd be okay. I really don't understand why I didn't act acordingly. Some would say it was due to my nature, I just say I wasn't paying attention. I once guessed the lottery numbers correctly, just by an off chance. Wow did I feel stupid (Insert crazy sort of laugh here). But these two times it really has gone all wrong.

The guy I went to see, god, he was crazy to meet me and everything, what happened when I did eventually go see this guy? God damn shit hit the fan. I can't stand him, he's not my type (I didn't really expect much either, neither was the intension there to go down that road in the first place!) Now I'm left wondering if I shouldn't have made that damn seven hour trip to see him and stayed where I started,with two great guys who welcomed me into their small home and gave me the (albeit short) relaxation I needed to get away from life for a few days. Guess I can't thank them enough when I leave on teusday, to be honest, I wouldn't pass it away if they said "stay" but even if I wanted to, I'd have to go home. There are more important things to worry about than being with two guys (who are together btw, stop thinking like that) and that's a good friend of mine who (hopefully) needs my help with sorting his stuff out.

I'm looking forward to helping him and hopefully, it'll go to plan (for once). I do have to wonder if I ever get my "time" where I can kick back for real, but nothing is ever that easy. I've got myself a future sort of "to do" list and those will take a few years to reach that ultimate goal of shrugging off that baggage one calls "childhood" away. Some people sometimes say "why do you go out of your way to help others" and the answers actually quite simple. I want to help others so they don't ever have to go through what I did. Granted, I only give advice and pointers, interfering never really left me with anything good.

Guess I'm just putting down some random thoughts here and hope that sometime in the near future, I'll have that moment where I say "if I havn't done that, I wouldn't be where I am today". Actually, a more accurate way of saying it is "bloody hell, what shit I had to sift through to be better off by a little thing" hah. Anyway, I'm still enjoying my vacation and I best not think about christmas too much, as I have to "offer"myself into a place with no net, no friends and a homophobe... wonderful.

Huggles...
~Darkus

Tags: random
Current Location: Germany, Erzhausen
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Spooks S01E01

You start to think about things you really didn't want to. Especially when someone as kind and good hearted gives you the opportunity to travel away for two weeks without expecting some kind of monetary repayment for it. Maybe its wrong you know? But still, the stress fell from my shoulders as a cliff edge would fall at the battlling sea front and the thoughts started creeping in.

It must have been double whammy year for me. All those thoughts suddenly flooded back into my mind as to why things have happened, how, the analysation of them and finally, what came out of it. I've always said that you had to look at life from an outside perspective "out of the box" so to speak but sometimes, doing just that presents you with that ultimate gut feeling, that seems to ram into you like a prize boxer at a heavy weight championship, that its not the others that have caused so much problems, but oneself.

That's right, only one can really steer you into chaos or absolution, that's always been the very person that you think of last, yourself. Clarification isn't really nessesary in my opinion, it just struck me out of the blue. Shame that there weren't any solutions present at the same time, that would have been too easy and what have we learned in our teenage years, when our mothers and fathers told us off? Life ain't easy. Great! I looked at every possible angle and it just seems that it was either my blind ambition to make others happy at ones own expense or just general idiocy that plagues one after too many obessionary coffee worshipping days. Coffee dehydrates and causes one to get more tired... think about that! Anyway. I was given a few choices, I took the ones that seemed right at the time without looking at the future too much. I had small glimpses yes, but therein comes that horrible word that I've become to hate recently, co-incidence. If there was one thing in this world I was given a chance to change, I'd change the meaning of co-incidence to "shit happens far too often with an easy pattern" feels better saying it that way I reckon.

Now to the ultimate waterfall of thought that makes me feel more uncomfortable as a straight man in a gay bar, What if I'm the cause of this constant drama that seems to follow me around and try to sort out? Ultimately, being a furry *groans* leads to drama. There's no way one can avoid it. Be it relationship, hatred between people or just in general boredom. Usually, its sorted with a simple "let's look at naughty pictures" or a slap to the head followed by good advice such as "just talk to him damnit" but just sometimes, it can't be solved. You have to live with it. I have to live with two facts that won't leave me alone, which I won't go into, simply because I know they have access to reading this, so rather than have to punch them in the face for being akward, I'd just continue writing down stuff. Yea, stuff, like the stuff you get in that box you ordered, where a small product is contained with many fluffy white things. I just don't know how to cope with them, they linger like a bad smell after a fursuit walk, they never leave. I've tried various methods to try and solve them but I've just gotten back to square one each time, with a heavier load on my mind then before.

In closing, I hate drama. I've managed to sort so many people's drama out, solved many problems, got people together, got the wrong people to look for others but my own drama can't be solved. Connundrums all around. I guess this just means this is another cry for help for someone who can understand just how complicated life can get. Applicants can take a seat over there, thanks.

Hugs 'n' Murrs
~Darkus

Tags: drama, furry, random, shit-happens
Current Location: Germany, Berlin
Current Mood: contemplative

Yea, its been a horrific journey... many ups and downs. I forgot what I originally wanted to strive for, I'm just going to be me again. It's probably for the best. You win some, you lose some. My original way of thinking has been blurred by constant difficulties but its time to actually sit out and think what the hell it is I want from life. You know I can't even remember what original cliche it was that caused all this drama to happen. Yea, there was a lot of unnecessary drama... many times have I gone in between people, sorted things out and never actually looked at my own drama. I won't deny it, sometimes I'm the cause of a lot of shit that happens, not any more.

The brutal acknowledgment of one's self imprisonment by these issues that shouldn't have occurred in the first place... its strange to look back and say "damn, that was my own fucking fault" no more. You break down, you get back up, you look in the horizon, you step towards it but can never reach it. So fuck it, if you can't reach it, then what's the point in trying. Not saying that this would warrant anything bad, I'm just saying, if a goal is so far away from you and any effort by you or others to bring it closer ends up doing the opposite, maybe its time to actually say "no" and choose a different goal. Cue my way of thinking again, big whoop, wanna fight about it?

No, I'm supposed to be the "good guy" (yes, someone actually said that to me) so what's good guys do? Finish last. Woohoo. Ah well, at the end of the day, that's what we good guys do best, finish last and take whatever glory is left to be taken, wanna know what? I'm fine with that now. Somewhere along the lines, you realize that even though you don't feel like you've accomplished anything, but you have. You've made a difference, you've taken part and you eventually did finish, so where do we go from there?

No one can be sure, not even I can be sure what will happen next, all I can say is that this chapter is closed. Cue next one in this never ending saga of failures, successes, love and hatred. Coming soon to a cinema near you!

Hugs 'n' Murrs
~Darkus

Current Location: United Kingdom, Doncaster
Current Mood: calm

Certainly been an interesting 6 weeks, let me tell you that. I guess its basics first, I've moved from Southampton up to Doncaster. Second, I've finally managed to get away from the shackles that is known as CEX and finally, I'm surrounded by good friends, making it easier to adjust.

Stressful times. However, in the end, it was totally worth it. I can now commit myself to doing what I've always wanted to do, live with friends, do the things I want and just relax in life rather than blimmin' be oppressed (;3). The main reason I've moved, simply because I wanted to, it was an opportunity to live with furries (Sometimes that can be seen as a bad thing, but I've yet to see that myself) and well, be a little more away from my real family. I'm taking a month out before starting to look for a new career, a new future. I just need the time now to sit down and collect my thoughts and such to make a better decision. Up north, this will come easier.

My other half will be joining me up here soon enough and then it'll be perfect. I live with my pet too, so things are indeed quite well (;3). I just needed a good excuse to get away from my employer. Being behind the till, it was a nightmare and I implore anyone who wants to buy electronics from them (everything else is fine) to be weary of the store's testing facilities. Certainly where I was based, we just didn't employ the safeties, testing and handling procedures too well. Games and that are fine, in fact, it seems everyone is getting rid of their PS2 stock and getting Xbox360! I've seen a lot of trends, one of the weirdest was, when someone buys a particular item or game, I'd find myself buying in that item later on and two days after that too! How weird.

I guess I'll update more now (I keep finding myself saying that, but hey...). This is your northern draggi saying "good day"

Tags: doncaster, random, update
Current Location: Doncaster
Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: Micheal Jackson - Dangerous